If a vampire comes into your room in the dark you can expect to not wake up at all, wake up having your blood drained out of you, or wake up with them trying to freak you out so they can have a leg up on whatever it is they are going to try to do next. There really isn’t any other reason for it. I’d probably die of a heart attack if they just wanted to say hello and didn’t knock because they forgot how. A good rule of thumb is, if you wake up and you are not in pain, you don’t have to panic… yet.

Which is why when I opened my eyes earlier tonight to see the outline of Lucy’s fuzzy mop in front of the TV (crouched at the end of my bed like an animal watching me sleep) I wasn’t phased. Then again it is hard to be phased when you have very little strength left from a week of expelling your insides into a toilet. I was mildly annoyed that she interrupted my sleep. I just laid there and stared at her until she threw her hands up in the air and said “What the fuck!”

“The scare people by sneaking into their room trick is very 1995,” I said. “Get the lights.” As she was moving over to light switch I continued “Next time try something like licking my nipples, that would freak me out.” 

By the time the lights were on I was sitting up in bed and got a good look at my leather pant wearing peeping Tom. Sure enough she looked like she had last night. All retro goth and Dracula inspired. Yet I have to admit she did wear it well.

“I’m Alex, but I’m thinking you know that.”

“Yep a do, Alex.” she mumbled swinging her hands from back to front clapping them as she paced around the room. Not moving slow means a vampire is either new, or pretending to be new. I’m not sure why, I think it has something to do with energy to animation ratio. They never explain anything to me.

I just looked at her as she cased the joint, her nostrils flaring as see smelled the rankness of the place. “It really works.” she said, kicking a beer can out of the way.

“For me. I hear it only works for some people, and only if you start it within a few hours of being murdered.”

She laughed, “Murdered! I begged to be ‘murdered’.” She did the air quotes around murdered and I wasn’t annoyed, she was kinda cute doing it. At this point she started to remind me of Karen Gillan more than Lucy but I decided to keep calling her Lucy.

“So Lucy, I know you won’t tell me your real name so I’m just going to call you Lucy, what the fuck do you want. I was sleeping for once this week and you just messed that right up”.

“Isabelle says for you to write about last week, that night with Jesus. She says do it right now, and then when you are done, I’m to take you out and show you a good time. She said I’m to be your cicerone, which I think she means tour guide.”

“We going out for ice cream?”

“Although that sounds awesome, nope. No iced cream for you dear blogger. You need things to blog about and I’m going to point you in the right direction. Not just any old direction.” She sat at the side of my bed for this line, as if what she was about to say was so important that she had to look at me directly. “I’m going to show you everything you have been trying to learn ever since you met Jesus.” I could tell by the look in her eyes she expected me to be thrilled.

Which I am, don’t get me wrong, but now I’m starting to understand something else. Vampires don’t have good will like this. They don’t say.. hey you spent twenty years dealing with our rejects so we are going to reward you by letting you see all our inner workings. This was more than just some old vampires whim. This was some kinda game.

“Alright, give me my laptop.” I said to her. Which she did, and I’ve been typing this ever since.

Now as she sits here next to me, smelling me…

“Do you have to smell me like that? I mean your nose is all flared out.”

“I like to smell. When I was alive I didn’t realize how great it was.”

“That is kinda freaky.”

Anyways. Here is what you get to know about what happened, Isabelle.

Jesus is a jealous dickhead that can’t take that I do not want to be his bitch or any one of your bitches. This time around he was waiting in my apartment for me after I got back from work. He looked like he hadn’t eaten in a long time. His body was all bones. His tongue must of been so shriveled that he couldn’t speak because I told him to ‘get the fuck out’ and all he did was make this rasping noise as he attacked me.

No one is as strong as a vampire, even a starving one. Whatever evolutionary, magical, or god like thing made them really said, F you to the human race.

When I woke up this time I had to call Suzanne but she is pretty damn fast when I’m in need. The only other odd thing about that morning. All the windows and doors of my place were open. I remember lying there in pain thinking how grateful I was about the breeze.

There. Now off to see what Lucy has planned.